Love You!

I started writing in Spanish but I don´t love writing in Spanish because it takes longer haha.

So I don´t really feel like writing a ton today because of everything that happened this week but I'm going to write and include the things I know you want to know or that are important. But first off I LOVE YOU so so much. Thank you for your prayers, examples to me, support, etc. It got me through most of the week. Secondly, How I LOVE General Conference. Wow.

Hna Angulo and I had a wonderful P-day last week that was just super relaxing and exactly what we needed to recoop our minds and hearts and start anew. We went to Manuel´s and had an INCREDIBLE lesson with him! What an answer to prayers. We read with him part of Alma 32 and analyzed the parable of the seed/tree with his developing desire, faith, and experimentation with these things. He kept saying he didn´t have faith or desire and that his actions didn´t mean that was his faith or desire because he still lacked that. Haha he is SO confusing but we have learned to translate his words. We let him say or believe what he wanted and continued with smiles. At one point in the lesson, he stopped reading and said, ¨This is for me, huh?!¨ He then started inputting his name in the scriptures! Incredible! We had never even told him about putting his name in scriptures, etc. The story really hit him and he directly felt and knew the application whether he admitted it or not. At the end I said, ¨Manuel, even though you say that no, no, no...I KNOW you have the desire, faith, and have changed. Even though it may be just a little, that is sufficient for now. I promise you like the seed, that your desire, faith, and change will grow if you pray, read the scriptures, and go to church. Little by little they each will continue to grow until they are like the tree.¨ He then admitted I was right and he did have desires and faith. Also, turns out that he only drank 3 sips of alcohol on Saturday and even though he was out super late set 3 alarms to get up and go to church on Sunday! 3 ALARMS!! I didn´t even hardly care he didn´t hear them hahaha--that shows big time faith, desire, and change. How I full on love this kid.

Wednesday. Starting on Wednesday until Saturday, I can honestly say was the worst week of my life. I don´t think I have ever felt so many feelings, felt so alone--I literally was so, felt so hurt or discouraged, or had to battle in my mind who I deep down know I am and can accomplish, with so many other things trying to convince me otherwise in many forms. I can´t really explain or don't really want to explain details--maybe after my mission but it was beyond hard and lonely.  It´s amazing when you have an incredible relationship with your companion and then something changes that and everything else can fall to the floor.  The bad week did start with Hna Angulo saying something that completely wounded me and she recognized it, has apologized and tried everything to restitue it, I forgave her from the get go and was never mad--it was the inner feelings afterwards I struggled with--self worth, what I can do, who I am and felt alone in how I view myself. However, I always remembered you guys and thank heavens I know who I am and what I can do.  I didn´t really explain what happened and I will after my mish--I don´t want to go into everything because that doesn´t help anything but I obviously needed to learn what all those feelings feel like and battle my way out and rely wholly on the Lord and His servants and scriptures.  And you guys.  I love you! 

Anyway Thursday I didn´t really feel any better but we had a wonderful lesson with Marianela and Gabriel--I love them and am so excited for their progress! They are excited for their baptism on the 22nd and I can´t wait to keep working with them. That was a tender mercy that day. And Gabriel came to conference!

Friday we were SO tired. We contacted for 3 hours straight in the sun without resting and knocked on every single door in the streets we contacted in just in case. Not super successful but we have no support from the ward members, no references, not many investigators and felt without other options! We just kept going. That day was hard for me thinking I have more than a year left and not knowing how much longer I could take the feelings I felt and the trials we are going through daily here in our program. Just when we think things can´t get worse, they do! Soheil wanted to meet with us and something had completely changed in him. He has voluntarily let Satan win his battle for now. Apparently he was dressed and walked to church but before entering, left and bought a pack of cigarettes instead of entering. Since that action, he completely lost any desire to arrange his life or fix things. He is hardening himself for future disappointments, feels free, and wants to experiment with things though he recognizes in the future he probably will come back. Cursed agency sometimes--if people could realize the pathway only gets harder to return. Satan knew the potential Soheil has dang it. Manuel wasn´t at his house for the third time and just every day things failed!

Saturday in the morning during personal study, I had some neat experiences in the scriptures. How my love for the scriptures and Book of Mormon has completely multiplied. Mosiah 24 really helped me--it´s interesting to note that the Lord relieved their burdens in phases. I love D&C 84:88, and though I´ve always loved D&C 121:7-9, it took on a much more real or applicable meaning in my life as I had literally felt some of the feelings or questions the prophet Joseph asked (though mine are surely to the smallest degree in comparison to his). Heavenly Father knows us and is willing to let us feel His direct counsel and comfort through his love and the scriptures. Then I read the story of Ammon but had never really paid much attention to the missionary experiences of Aaron. What a difference the two had in their experiences of the mission! The outcomes were quite different for a long while. Aaron had to endure trial after trial, hardship after hardship, and prison, and still people didn´t want to hear or progress. However, after he endured all those things, the Lord decided to give him success beginning with the king. Who knows why Aaron had to endure everything before experiencing the success that Ammon did but I´m SO grateful that Aaron´s story is written!

And what a BLESSING it is to hear General Conference. I had the heaven-sent blessing to watch the sessions of Saturday in English (Hna Angulo offered to do one day in English and one day in Spanish) and I was just praying and knew that my answer would come in this opportunity. I don´t think I can let you all know how much I feel this with all my might but that President Dieter F. Uchtdorf was inspired to write that talk FOR ME. Literally it was written exactly for me. Every feeling, experience, counsel, etc was 100% applicable and I felt like he and the Lord were directly speaking to me. I was crying a lot, laughing some at how amazing it was and I just feel SO grateful and utterly humbled at how aware the Lord is of my life and needs, and I never cease to be amazed that He takes the time to ensure and comfort me or show me how much He is there and how much we all matter. I felt so humbled. The Lord is so merciful and though they have so many children with so many other struggles, took the time to let me feel and know personally their presence and interest in my life by giving me direct answers. I love them so much and I testify of the inspiration of the prophet and apostles. The church is true!

We were able to have a lesson with Rebeca and Manuel on Saturday and it was pretty good. I taught them in 3 Nephi 11 what Logan taught me through his email the other week. We had always taught that it wasn´t until the third time that the people recognized or understood the voice (in comparison to receiving answers to prayers, etc) but I had never ever thought or paid attention to WHERE the people looked for the voice or answer. What an amazing example of a brother and missionary I have! I never cease to be amazed by how much he and Dallin and you guys teach me. Thank you for your examples!

Sunday morning, Manuel came with us to conference. We were SO happy!! But halfway through, he left and went outside. He told us he didn´t feel comfortable, he did want to know what was said but that he would wait outside. We tried to get him to open up which is a bad idea with him--he doesn´t love that, and being stupid we kept encouraging him to come back inside and he actually ended up leaving. Ugh! I felt so guilty and we felt so confused and sad. But then we really felt that we had a glimpse of an idea of what might have happened. I think Manuel for the first time in his life started feeling the beginnings of the process of repentance. It is a painful process and he could feel the Spirit in the conference if he was paying attention, and I don´t think he felt worthy to be there. That´s just an idea we had so we went to his house to apologize for trying to get him to come back in and try to explain those feelings to him. He didn´t say anything although we could see he felt something but then afterwards he said he didn´t want to meet with us because it would be a waste of our time. He said it under his breath and super sadly. We stopped and testified to him it was never a waste of time and that we loved him and could see his change. He doesn´t have confidence in himself and can´t recognize the good things and changes he has made. It´s so hard becuase he has his family all around him cutting him down and they don´t believe he has changed or can change really. We wrote him a long letter with things we felt he needed to hear and we really feel like he needs ALL of our love and support and teaching now more than ever. How we love him and we all have supported everything from each other but we need to teach him to do this for himself and he needs to learn and recognize the process of change, start it, and recognize the good things. We are praying and praying we can meet with him this week still and we didn´t lose him. He really is still progressing, just doesn´t give himself credit. Please continue praying for him--that he will open his heart again to meet with us and that we can continue helping him. He has so much potential and that was made evident in our feelings of the things we really feel we need to teach him or why we are there. Satan will work super hard on him and obviously is working hard on him because of what he can be.

This is the work--we don´t understand why we need to be the ones going through all of this and without success at all but we do know that we can do it and that there is a greater plan we don´t understand. The Lord knows all and He is so loving and merciful. I know that the people we are teaching can feel of our love and service and sometimes that has to be enough. I love the people here that we are teaching and I have learned so much this week but feel so humbled for how aware the Lord is of our lives.

I was so amazed at the Sunday afternoon session of conference--almost every talk was about missionary work or mentioned it! We felt SO grateful for the counsel, answers, advice, and stories present. I was just humbled by this conference experience. Well I love you all so much, I KNOW this work is the best work ever though it tries us with all we are, but the church is true and the good news of the Gospel makes everything worth it. How can we not share this joy with others?!

I love you all so so much! But more importantly, your Heavenly Father loves you and nothing is too small for Him to care about. Have an amazing week!!

Love,

Hermana Bryan

Logan: I´ve prayed for you so much this week and I hope your investigators could make it to conference and I am excited to hear about your experiences.  I love you!

Dallin:  you are NEVER alone.  It breaks my heart to hear of the struggles you are having and I want with all my heart to take those away but know that I pray for you every day like 3 times a day at the least.  You are the best 15 year old I know and the most noble one at that.  Keep on being who you are and living how you should and you will be blessed.  I love you!!  Read the scriptures like everything depended on them.

Mom and Dad:  I love you so so much.  I wished with all my heart to talk to you this week and express my heart but know I needed to do this on my own.  You can delete some personal things I included if you think it is better others don´t read them.  I don´t have more time.  Also, can you please tell Bonnie hi for me?  And then I was wondering if for Christmas you could send me another large journal from Deseret Book--I might need it after then.  Also I would love Christmas music to listen to before then but that´s not a high priority if you can´t!  I love you with all my heart and wish we could talk more about Conference.  You are the best parents I could have EVER been blessed with and I´m so so grateful for your love of the Gospel and examples to me.