I can´t even begin writing this email without my eyes filling up with tears and my heart dying a little bit inside. You can call me dramatic if you want haha but anyone who knows me knows how much I feel things :) So I will start with this crazy week full of change.
Monday we were pretty much left alone to fend for ourselves and Hermana Angulo and I sat in a park and talked and talked and swung on the swings. We could cry together, laugh, etc. We got back to the house to 9 missed calls from the assistants and when I called them back, they informed me that I had transfers. WHAT! It´s the middle of the transfer and then they also told me that I would not be going back to Manta to pack my things but that Hermana Angulo with Hermana Martinez were to travel to Manta, pack my things, and return. I was shaking and just accepted what the assistants said--it was like a bucket of completely ice cold water dumped on my head! Hermana Angulo just grabbed me and let me bawl on her shoulder. I cried and cried and then quickly wrote a few letters to send with Hermana Angulo. I spent the rest of the day talking with Hermana Merida and she is the perfect person to have been with in that situation. We have similar personalities and she distracted me, we talked, etc.
The news was so so hard for me. I felt and actually still feel like I have unfinished business in Manta and want to go back with all of my heart. We finally had an amazing program with people progressing towards baptism, a ward who wanted to support us, etc.
I called Soheil to let him know and he was so so sad. He just kept saying, NO! Hermana Bryan, no! That´s it, I´m coming to Guayaquil then haha. Marianela and Gabriel didn´t answer on Monday and I was just so sad and wondering if this was the reason I got sick.
Tuesday I woke up and felt like being asleep was better than reality--weird how it was kind of similar to how I felt before leaving on the mish--so many mixed emotions! Hermana Merida and I talked and shared scriptures and stories, learned, and laughed together the whole morning. She is wonderful! It was truly a blessing to have her with me. Then, the hermanas arrived and told me everything. Hermana Angulo then was back and the other hermanas left again to their area. Hermana Angulo was able to find every single person in their house to tell them the news, drop my letter off, etc. just in 1 hour! She said that Soheil couldn´t smile. He was so so sad. Gabriel was the same and she said his face was so sad she wanted to give him a huge hug. I guess on the way to the bus, she found Gonzalo (the man who was going to read one hour a day of the BOM) and that he got extremely sad. He told her NO! I´ve been reading every single day and have so many questions. It killed her to leave him and it kills me that we have people ready like him just waiting in Manta! I got to call Marianela and Gabriel and Gabriel was so so sad--he told me that this unexpected change was so so so hard for them. They are used to us and he told me his daughter has been crying and asking everyday for me. Then, Marianela got on the phone and was just crying. She didn´t want to hang up the phone and like 4 times went to hang up and then started talking again. Allisson was crying in the background and tried talking to me for a bit, etc. I cried, gave them my love and told them how much I loved them and how much my heart was broken but how happy I was that they are strong in the light of Christ, and told them to maintain their strength, to maintain their goal for the temple, etc. They are incredible!
I just felt so responsible for all of these seemingly bad changes becuase I got sick and just wanted to go back. I know how hard this is for them and for me and how fast this change was! My heart literally hurt so so much and Tuesday afternoon, I cried harder than I have cried in years probably. I can´t remember the last time I was like that--it was bad. Mom--don´t worry I put cucumbers on my eyes afterwards haha. Luckily, Hermana Angulo and I could talk, cry, share experiences, remember, cry, etc.
I got all trunky for Manta at nighttime and looked at all my pictures of the mission and I need to tell you the feeling that came over me as I was doing so. I can´t express to you exactly how strongly I felt but I just felt SO incredibly grateful for this experience to be in the mission. Words can´t describe a mission but it is such a privilege. SUCH a privilege and an opportunity of a lifetime. If you have the opportunity to go on a mission, know how hard it is but KNOW that you won´t ever be able to do anything better in your life! It´s so worth it--everything! I felt so incredibly humbled to have known and loved and shared that love and joy of the gospel with Manta and my beloved people there. Serving a mission is hard but I just can´t describe how much I felt gratitude to my Heavenly Father for this time that I´ve had and the wonderful experiences I´ve had thus far!
D&C 6:36 helped me a lot--read it!! Trust in the Lord and doubt not. I´m working on that always!
Wednesday we had our last day in the house to cook, learn, share experiences, etc. We made a big dinner and ate outside and had fun because I had a feeling it would be our last night together as comps for me and Hermana Angulo. I felt ups and down this day but only could have faith, hope, and trust in the Lord like always. I thought being sick was a challenge but this change and transfer proved to be the challenge that hurt me the most and is the most hard to overcome. But that´s how our challenges come! And the Lord is preparing us for things ahead in our lives. I need to plow in hope as Paul says and as I was listening to More by Kenneth Cope, the words hit me like never before that the Lord is requiring more and more of me every time and each time I think there is no more left to try or test, there is. He requires our all! There is more and more of me to give and He wants me to give of myself in my new area. I know there is a reason for this and have to trust in the Lord it´s for something!
They called to tell me that I would be staying here in this area with Hermana Martinez and Hermana Angulo would go to be with Hermana Merida. The funny thing is that all 3 of them return home in 3 weeks. Also, in 3 weeks 7 hermanas arrive and that leaves almost all of us with the responsibility to train. Before I got sick, this area was going to be closed down in 3 weeks when Hermana Martinez leaves. I was going to stay in Manta obviously, etc. However, Manta right now is closed because we asked the assistants. He said there aren´t enough hermanas so for now (these 3 weeks) or really all of this change since we´ve been here, there won´t be and haven´t been hermanas. Hearing that news actually made Hermana Angulo and I laugh and smile and jump for joy because at that specific moment I felt like the Lord had answered my prayers and that in 3 weeks when Hermana Martinez leaves, this area will be closed and I will be able to train in Manta where I know the area and the people, etc. It was such an incredible, joyous feeling!
BUT now that I´m here, I have no idea if that is true or if in 3 weeks or less I will be bringing my trainee to this area and figure it out with her as well since I don´t know the area well at all! Anything is possible in the mission and I just pray every single night that the Lord can know of my good desires and know of my heart to serve with all my might wherever I am called but that if at all possible He can grant that miracle for me to return to Manta. I don't feel like it is wrong to ask that because I know it is His will when all is said or done, but I feel like I've gone through so much this last month or so and it's only been harder and harder, and that if I give my all and accept this trial and learn from it, He can grant the desires of our hearts and perform miracles if it is His plan. Anyway, I pray that can happen. If so, man that will be super hard for my poor new hermana as well as me to figure everything out together as well as train! But the Lord provides and we have to trust in Him! We will find out in a few weeks!
The quote getting me through is by Pres Monson--"Fear not. The future is as bright as your faith!" So true!
My comp Hermana Martinez is from the campo in Paraguay and is convert of 5 years. She´s great! We aren´t super alike but she´s so accepting, loves everyone, super strong in strength emotionally, etc and just real. She has been having a hard time staying focused even though she doesn´t want to go home! She´s trunky and it´s been hard for her to work etc but this change I think was meant for her. Because I don´t know the area, she has to kind of step it up from before and I feel badly she has all the weight on her shoulders again, but I try to help with the people I have met and we are trying to work! I just need to maintain my habit with Hermana Angulo of obedience and hard work and try to make sure we do everything we can.
We have two wonderful investigators who will be baptized this week--Jaquelin and Alexandra. They live on the top of this mountain we have to climb everyday if we want to visit them or other members that live up there. To be honest, I have no idea how the first missionaries even had the idea to look on that top of the mountain because it is crazy! We are so winded every single time haha it´s literally a huge mountain but they are wonderful! 18 and 15 years old, so innocent and with great smiles, and their family is extremely extremely poor but they don´t let anything get them down. Their situation is so so humbling and I feel privileged to be sharing time and love with them. On top of the great hill also lives Moncerrate--a grandma of some members who has bone disease and can´t get married because of paper legal problems and so hasn´t been able to be baptized yet. She wants to but because she can´t, accompanied the girls Jaquelin and Alexandra--her neighbors--down the mountain and on the buses to church and back. I can´t tell you how much that meant to Hermana Martinez and how incredible that is. If you could see the mountain and the struggles it is for us not to fall or slip going up and down and imagine an old woman with bone disease doing that to go to church when she can´t be baptized, you will understand. Incredible the faith and determination of these children of God! The ward was so so accepting and welcoming of me yesterday and that meant a lot. It´s still hard for me but I just try to forget myself and focus on the work and these people and I am trying to make myself feel that I am here and all of me is here and not in Manta! The ward members are super strong here----Hermana Martinez says not compared to other areas---but they should have seen Manta. They have tons of programs, classes, callings, etc and the missionaries only have to focus on teaching. In Manta we had to do most everything and finally the ward was starting to help but it´s interesting to note the difference and even though the other missionaries don´t recognize it--they are blessed and stronger here!
I can´t help but think that this 6 week break from missionaries has made Barrio Cordova in Manta reorganize some things and perhaps rely more on the strength of the members rather than us. Maybe that was another reason for the change! I have such a curious mind and am always thinking of possible reasons haha I will probably never know exactly but know that all these are little reasons and that the Lord knows all and will have everything go according to His will and plan!
Welp I´ve been out for 4 months and will be returning in 1 year and 3 weeks--that is so crazy to me. Funny but I was praying while I was sick that they wouldn´t send me home. As much as I miss all of you that it hurts sometimes, I have things to do here still and LOVE being a missionary! It´s so hard emotionally and physically but man what a blessing it is to be here--I am always just so humbled.
President Monson has said that the Lord will shape the back to bear the burden placed upon it. He is shaping mine and will shape yours--we just need to trust completely in Him and His purposes!
I love you all so so much and can´t tell you how grateful I am for you. Please thank Uncle Jorge, Papa and Odie for their weekly emails and inspirational stories that uplift me so much, Alexa for her cute email, and Brooke. I love you all and will write you!
Love so much,
Hermana Bryan
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